September 25th: We got the call we didn’t want. None of our embryos made it to day 6. Not a single one. Everything we went through – nothing. Our hearts are broken and we are sad. The day started so perfectly – I got to run again! It was hard on me to not run through this whole process. So hard. I get kind of depressed when I don’t run, so add a bunch of hormones to that and it’s not the best mixture. But today was good. It started with a run. After my run, my phone stopped working. It was not a good day for that happen. We were waiting on the call from our clinic about our embryos – I couldn’t wait to hear if more had fertilized. I was so certain the two that we already had were going to the ones we used. We named them. We started to dream.
I sent a message to our coordinator and asked her to call Jake with the update since I was phoneless. The only way I could communicate with Jake was by texting him from my laptop. He asked me to call him, so I used my laptop to FaceTime him. None of our embryos made it. Poor egg-quality. Jake got the call at 5:59PM.
I was crushed. I had tried to be realistic throughout the entire process, but when we heard we had at least two, which isn’t a very high number, I got excited. We had two babies. It was hard hearing this from Jake while he was at work, but we sat and cried together. He wouldn’t be home from work for another 4 hours, which sucked. When I got off the phone with him, I called my parents. All I could do was cry. They came straight over. When I hung up from them, I called Jake’s Mom – she and his step-dad were close by, so they rushed over, too. How lucky am I? Our parents sat with me and cried/laughed/told stories with me for about two hours. I am so thankful they came over to be with me. We are blessed with the best. Once they left, I kind of lost it. I cried for all the women who deal with infertility. I cried for my Mom who went through so much trying to get pregnant. I cried for Jake. I cried for our embryos – our babies. I cried for me.
When we decided to do IVF, we both said we only thought we wanted to do it once. I still feel that way (at this point). So does Jake. I feel very much at peace with that decision. We know God has a plan for us – IVF, though part of the journey, wasn’t the end. We are not only grieving the loss of our two embryos, but also our infertility. Each is hard in its own way; together, they’re a big blow and it hurts. I am thankful I have Jake as my teammate. I don’t think I’d get through this without him.
We got bad news today, but that news doesn’t define us. Now we pray and figure out our next steps. I will continue to post updates on this page.