April 28th, 2021: I don’t like to come on here and complain, but yesterday was a day. The past few weeks have just been really hard since I’m on birth control again. I think this is the worst it has affected me in the almost year we have done IVF. I have felt like I have zero energy to do anything. Working out is my outlet. When I can’t workout, I get in a super negative space that I can’t seem to get myself out of.
Yesterday, I finally felt like running again (YAY!), so I was super excited, thinking maybe my energy was starting to come back. After my run, I went to the gym, which felt really hard. Before dinner, we went on a bike ride, and I really struggled. Yes, I know I did three really active things and I haven’t been pushing it like that lately, but I used to do things like that all the time. The end of our ride was SO hard and it just got to me. We were climbing a hill and I couldn’t catch my breath, so I think I had a mini panic attack about not being able to breathe and then everything else just kind of bubbled up. I started sobbing at a traffic light at the top of the hill we had been climbing. I couldn’t calm myself down or get the crying to stop. I told Jake just to get us home quickly, which he did. I cried the rest of the ride. I am so tired of feeling out of shape and like I’m always lacking energy. Plus, the hormonal weight gain is NOT fun. I know a lot of this is out of my control right now, and I’m usually pretty good at talking myself down, but I had a day yesterday and just needed to get a good cry out. I’m sure it was weird to see someone sobbing and riding a bike. We also haven’t heard any news from our clinic, so I’m frustrated with that. IVF is so much damn waiting. If I’m going to feel this way, I want to at least know when it’s going to stop. After all of this, I don’t ever want to be on birth control again. It is Satan’s drug.
I don’t share this for sympathy, but rather to show how hard this process is. If you have a friend going through infertility, check in on her. It’s not easy.
April 30th, 2021: Maybe sharing my bad day and frustration with our clinic was a good thing, because I received news about one of the two results that we had been waiting on. YAY! A quick recap – I had an ERA (endometrial receptivity array) on April 9th. For this procedure, our clinic had me do a mock transfer, which means I did all of the meds/hormones I will be on for our actual transfer (the transfer is when they place an embryo in your uterus and hope it implants). So, I did all the meds and hormones, but instead of transferring on the day we would have transferred, we did the ERA procedure. For the ERA, our doctor scraped a sample of my uterine lining to send off for testing to see if my uterus was receptive to an embryo. The ERA is super painful, but doesn’t last very long, thank goodness.
The tissue sample was sent to two labs – one to test the tissue to see if the med/hormone mixture was the right protocol for my body (called the ERA) and the other lab tested for inflammation, which is common in women with endometriosis (this test is called ReceptivaDX). So, we haven’t heard yet what the ERA results are – which will tell us if the meds/hormones were right, but we have heard back about the ReceptivaDX, which is the big one for me since I do have endometriosis. The results for this test can come back normal or abnormal. If abnormal, you have to do something to take care of the issue, which can take months. I was so nervous that would be us. BUT, my results came back normal. Praise. The. Lord. So, the one result that we know is normal, which is a huge positive. Now we just have to wait for the ERA results, which will hopefully come back next week. Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed.
After I shared about my really bad day with the panic attack and meltdown, I received the sweetest messages. I never want to forget them, so I am saving them here. This journey is not easy, but I am so glad I’m documenting all of it – the good and the bad. I have met so many amazing women through this process, and for that I will be eternally thankful.
Reading through all these messages makes me cry. It’s not always easy to share, which I have said multiple times before, but knowing we have so many people in our corner praying for us means more than I can even convey. So thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for loving and praying for us, and for loving and praying for our babies on ice. We feel it! <3